The LMAO thread!

[winstoncds]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he is sitting there drinking his beer, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar. Out of nowhere the guy hears a voice that says,”Hey, nice shirt.” The guy turns around to see where the voice came from, but there is noone there. The bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, no sound is coming from the t.v. and he is the only patron, so the guy thinks he is just imagining things…..Continuing to eat more peanuts, the man hears the same voice-”Hey man, nice shoes.” Now the guy knows he heard something, but again there is no t.v. noises, music is low, and the bartender is still in the corner, so the guy calls the bartender over and asks,”Pardon me, but did you say something to me?” “No, I didn’t say anything to you,” he says, “What did you hear?” “Well,” the guy says,”someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later someone said, ‘nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you said it.” The bartender says,”Oh, I know what that was, its the peanuts, They’re complimentary.”
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In the days just before the final judgement, Satan decides to be lienient on the next three Humans to fall. And chooses to test them for a return to Life.

The first guy: An alcoholic, who in his gluttonous state, drank himself to death. Was given the option to spend 100 years in a locked room with only the best Beverages ever known. He Gladly accepted and was locked away.

The second guy: An Adulterer, Died of a heartattack while cheating on his wife, took the option of 100 years in a room with the most beautiful women to have ever lived. He, as well, accepted the offer. In turn was lock away.

The Third: Your Hippy next door. The First ever known, Marijuana overdose, was given 100 years In the largest field of the Greatest strains of weed ever created. Like the others, he is happier than a pig in shit, and is locked away.

100 years later:

Guy 1: The Alchoholic, Is released and stumbles out of the room Fat, Bloated, disgusting, And with a 100 year hang over. “I swear, I’ll never Ever Drink again.” Pleased with the out come, Satan gives him another chance at living.

Guy 2: The Adulterer, upon the door opening, he comes out, reaking of perfume, with the best hair in the Underworld, And Queer as a three dollar bill. “I don’t think I’ll ever look at women the same way again.”
Amuzed Satan releases him the land of the living.

Guy 3: The Pothead… After opening the door Satan sees that hardly any of the crops have been touched and after wandering around for a few minutes he hears someone crying softly. He finds the Pothead in a shallow hole. “What’s wrong?” Satan asks. With a tear in his eye, The Pothead looks up and says “You got a lighter, Man?”

[alanjg]

What do you DO ??

Q. Your riding a horse at full speed, a giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you and a lion behind you! What do you do???
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A.You get your drunk ass off of the carousel !!!

[winstoncds]

lol@Alan. That was real funny. I can imagine myself doing that on a merry-go-round.

[alanjg]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Diecast]

LOL!!!! Really funny

[alanjg]

The Handy-Woman..



A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

---

I Love L.A....We love It.

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

[winstoncds]

^^^^ROTF LMFAO @ Porsche.

[alanjg]

So Much Snow..



One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[aritrim]

LMAO @ porsche....

[alanjg]

Wink, Wink..Nudge, Nudge..



A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"