The LMAO thread!

[alanjg]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

---

Another one..


Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch..."

"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." "But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

[prathambhatnagar]

nice one

[alanjg]

lovely one..

Little Johnny's sitting on the street corner playin with battery acid, when a priest walked up and said, "Johnny, you should play with holy water instead." Little Johnny says, "Why is that?". The priest replies, "I put holy water on a pregnant lady and she passed a baby".

Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!"

[alanjg]

American, Canadian And A Jew In Heaven

On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Jew were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

---

last one for today's Humor..

Selling the Wife
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

[winstoncds]

“Doctor, doctor, I’m so embarrassed, I’ve got several holes in
my willy and when I go for a pee it sprinkles out all over me
and over anyone standing close by. Please say you can do
something.”
The doctor considered the man for a few minutes and then
wrote something down on a card.
“Here,” he said, “take this card, on it is the name of a man
who can help you.”
“Oh thanks, doc, will he be able to cure me?”
“No, but he’s one of the country’s finest flute players and
he’ll show you how to hold it properly.”

[prathambhatnagar]

^^ hahaha

[Guggga]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[prathambhatnagar]

nice one paaji

[winstoncds]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”


There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.

And then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.

Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.

As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.

And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?”

---

There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp. After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out. When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes for each for releasing him from his lamp.
The bear immediately said “I want all the bears in this forest to be female” The genie granted his wish.
The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said “I want a motorbike helmet”. The helmet appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his head.
The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish. “I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be female”.
The rabbit then said “I want a motorbike”.
The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished “I want all the bears in the world to be female” and the genie granted his wish.
The rabbit got on his new bike and rode off, and when he was some 50 metres away from the bear he yelled “I wish that the bear was gay!!”


A man lived next door to a monk. He constantly heard a strange noise coming from the house. Well, at first he tried to just ignore it. But after a little while he just couldn’t take it so he went and knocked on the monk’s door. The monk opened the door and said, “Yes, can I help you?” The man asked, “I’d like to know what that noise coming from your house is.” The monk replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk.” So the man asked, “How do I become a monk then?” The monk said, “Well, to start, you must go the next 5 years eating only potato chips.” So the man, determined to find out what that noise was, went home and spent the next 5 years eating only potato chips. Finally, he returned to the monk and said, “OK, it’s been 5 years and I’ve only eaten potato chips. Now can I know what that noise is?” The monk replied, “No, you’re still not a monk. Now you must go 7 years and drink nothing but water.” Well, the man wasn’t looking forward to waiting 7 more years. But as he had already come 5 years, and he was determined to find the source of that noise, he went home and drank nothing but water for 7 years. When finally he reached the end of those 7 long years, he once again returned to the monk and said, “It’s been 7 years and I’ve drank nothing but water, now can I find out what that noise is?” The monk said, “No, you’re still not a monk. Now we must test your faith. Go to the highest cliff in the area and jump off.” Well, the man had come this far and he wasn’t going to back down, so he went to the highest cliff and jumped. Luckily, there was a safety net at the bottom of the cliff, and when he climbed out the monk was waiting for him. The monk led him back to his house and said, “You have passed the tests, you are now a monk. I assume you now wish to know what causes the noise you have been hearing?” The man replied, “Oh God yes, I’ve waited over 12 years to find out.” So the monk gestured for him to follow and led him down the stairs into the basement. Once in the basement, the monk opened a door which led into a tunnel. The monk told the man to go to the end of the tunnel. So the man started walking, it went on for ages, but finally he reached the end. There was only one more door between him and the source of the noise, he could tell. Slowly he grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door. In the room he saw…I’m sorry I can’t tell you what he saw.










You’re not a monk.

[Guggga]

bc! on the last one! hahahahahahahaha! hahahahaha!

"I'm not a monk"